NEXT OF SKIN...

Today was weird: in a first since high-school, I 'got in trouble'.

More on that in a moment.

Three times a week I accompany Ara to the profilactis class. As far as I know, profilactis means 'prevention' and frankly, it's a bit late for that. So I just call it 'ante-natal' and roll up for the 2.5 hours Wed, Thurs and Sat.

The woman who takes the class hates me. In return, I have a strong aversion to her and her claims that 'there is no pain in labor, it's all here (pointing to head)'.

Um, what about your pelvis splitting in half to let something akin to a rockmelon through??

She's convinced everyone in the class that epidurals are OUT OF BOUNDS, because everything has to be 'natural'... instead, the whole class is having their babies in water. If you have an epidural, you can't have the skin on skin contact with your child after labor (because they take you away somewhere else to recover from the drugs) and that's a fate worse than death.

But then tonight she informed us the boys should have circumcisions because it's more heigenic and 'bonito' (pretty).

HELLO??? Did someone says "21st century"??

What's 'natural' about slicing half the kid's penis off within hours of his entry into the world? (most of a new-born's appendage is the foreskin) 'Skin on skin' is pretty cold comfort when he's just experienced 'scalpal on foreskin'.

I completely respect the right of parents to let religious texts written in a time when plumbing and soap hadn't been invented over-ride their own rational analysis of the fact that there's a reason for everything in our body (except the spleen.... and maybe earlobes .....oh, and nipples on males - but by Jeez we don't start hacking them off as soon as we're finished with the umbilical chord, do we?) - but for non-practicing people... whaaat?

I had rushed from the gym to ante-natal class without time to eat.. the teacher did relaxation exercises, turned off the lights, put on videos of women giving birth with Coldplay soundtrack including such lyrics as 'Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part... let's go back to the start'.

What? - put it back up there?? There's one song that'll never sound quite the same again.

So there we are, sprawled all over the floor on our beanbags and cushions, when (without turning on the lights) she wheels in a doctor who was nice, but completely incomprehensible. It seemed as if he'd taken his hand-writing, and verbalised it.

And somehow it was MY fault that I feel asleep? Apparently, I made HER feel 'fea' (ugly) (there were no mirrors nearby, I checked) for inattention to the doctor.

I wasn't even asleep, I was just listening with my eyes closed.

I would have told her to turn the f&#^ing light on if she wants a conscious audience, but Ara says I lose the power of Spanish when I'm angry.

Below is the photo evidence of an exercise we did so that the 'papas' can 'understand how it feels'.

My immaculate gestation was aided by 5 kilos of rice, which was delivered later that night.

She's right, there's no pain at all. Now I understand.