LEARNING THE RULES

I have studiously ignored Ara's strongly-worded advice not to go out with Luis again, due to his bill-splitting tendencies, and am preparing myself for a night out in a surprise location.

Ara is showing signs of distress, so I get a fifth opinion from her visiting friend Yvonne (I've already sussed it out with a few Mexicanas, they all agree)

They both start shaking their pointer fingers and saying 'no no no no no' in a descending tone.

As I don black tights and top under little black dress with little green flat shoes and scarf of various shades, Ara and Yvonne start dispensing emergency advice. ALL Mexican men have been EDUCATED to pay, it is unthinkable to let the woman pay in the first dates and he is 'aprovechando' the fact that I am a gringa.

(Aprovechar is a great, handy verb that means 'make the most of')

When the bill comes, I MUST go to the toilet or if I have gone to the toilet recently, just keep talking. Only if he asks for money should I pretend I have completely forgotten about the bill and comply with a smile.

This goes against every grain in me... whaaaaat? How do you just sit there and watch someone pay the bill without feeling like a tightarse yourself?

No, they say, this is about respect. And Ara adds that if I offer him money, I have to buy her dinner. It's a bet that she's just unilaterally installed.

When I arrive to the car, Luis informs me I look like a ballerina (was it the tights??)(or did I go anorexic overnight without noticing?) and we set off.

We arrive at a club called La Perla, he pays my entry. So far, so good.

It's fantastic. Lots of red, lots of silver... retro chairs. Kind of like the hamburger joint John Travolta and Uma Thurman went in Pulp Fiction, but without the car booths... Hmmm, what am I trying to say? Lots of stainless steel and vinyl but with a Mexican feel, 60s Mexican music. The DJ is about a hundred, he's long and stringy and wears a tailored suit. A cigarette permanently dangles out of his mouth, dancing around as he sings. The owner zips around, also very old and in a diamond-checked vest.

"If a place can completely sum up someone's personality," Luis says, "This is mine".

Only in the bathroom when I come across someone with a lot of glitter on their fake eyelashes do I realise we're in a drag joint.

Is Luis trying to tell me something?

We dance. I walk past a table with two gay guys and one of them grabs me and starts speaking very quickly. All I can gather is that something about me is 'the best'. I'm pretty sure he's referring to my dancing, so I thank him profusely and move on before I can find out that he's actually referring to the best ballerina outfit or something.

Next thing we know, there are heaps of strangely-dressed people doing movements that vaguely resemble those of the person beside them. The women are wearing practically nothing, the men embroidered satin shirts.

Then the drag queens come out. Shakira is big-boned and very, very ugly. A large black wo-man shakes her arse like there's no tomorrow. There's I Will Survive (of course) and a duet involving a bald man fondling a transexual.

The surgery is amazing. Some of these women have really good breasts. One of them looks a bit like Michael Jackson.

Then they disappear and there's salsa music. Luis propels me around to some private beat of his own, until the gay guy (introduced as Olivier) grabs me and informs me 'my boyfriend' is wasting me. He's actually very good, but when the third song starts and he's still got me in a lynch grip I start worrying about Luis.

His friend goes over to explain the situation, and Oliver finally lets me go, but spends another ten minutes explaining he hasn't intended any distress to 'my boyfriend'.

When they finally leave, Luis explains that it's not normal to ask a girl to dance when she's out with a man.. but why Olivier thought that Luis would be threatened I'm not sure.

When the DJ can't seem to get past his Bee Gees record, Luis orders the bill and without so much as a look, pays it. Pity, I really needed to go to the toilet.